So my dear friend Jessica sent me this link. It very accurately describes what I’ve been living lately.
Both girls are in school full-time now. EVERYONE and their dog keeps asking me “What are you going to do with all that time to yourself?” It makes me want to punch them in the face. Every. Damn. Time. My normal response is to smile and say, “I don’t know yet!” Inside, I’m screaming at them to shut the hell up.
First, and foremost – I am working on my health. I have a request for a handicapped placard sitting on my table. I don’t want to fill it out. I don’t. Then, days like Sunday come and everything hurts so much I just don’t want to move. I push myself and smile, telling only Phil the truth, not letting the kids see what’s going on inside. I worry about the tremor in my hands, praying it’s a medication reaction or a symptom of the carpal tunnel. I have broken down and allowed the doc to prescribe me a narcotic for the pain – only for when I can’t see straight. I won’t talk to friends or family (other than Phil) about my health. I don’t want anyone to see me as weak, or to see what’s going on behind the scenes. So, I’m working on my health.
Secondly, and the reason for this post, I’m finding myself again. For years, I was “too professional” to wear the proverbial red dress. Then I had kids. Moms put themselves first – wearing a red dress might embarrass the kids, scarring them for life. Now the girls are at school, Phil is at his new job, and the house is quiet. I hear the ink I never got for fear that it would make me look “unprofessional” calling me. I hear my black leather jacket – the one a Mom would NEVER wear – wondering why its in the back of the closet instead of being worn. Every time a black Camaro passes my SUV, I wipe a tear away.
Slowly, it’s changing. I‘m changing. Katy Perry & Taylor Swift have been banned from my iPod – Metallica and Too Much Joy have taken its place. The parenting books that used to fill my nightstand have been donated to charity, replaced by edgy comedies like Lamb. I have an appointment to get my first tattoo.
I am finding my red dress and wearing it for the world to see. And I look damned beautiful – unstoppable – in it.